Don’t Lose Yourself in Parenthood: An Anxiety Therapist in Chicago, IL on People Pleasing and Relationships
Many couples know how to love each other when things are good. They don’t know how to be friends when they’re hurt.
As an anxiety and couples therapist in Chicago, I was inspired to write this blog post by clients who were seeking couples counseling, specifically to improve their relationship with better “communication skills.” Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of witnessing the progression of many relationships, especially when couples transition into becoming first-time parents.
If I’m talking directly to you (yes, you: the exhausted, loving, first-time parent reading this during a middle-of-the-night feeding or your rare moment of quiet), here’s what I want you to take away:
Parenthood doesn’t create relationship problems — it magnifies the patterns that were already there.
And if you’ve historically been the responsible one, the peacekeeper, the one who keeps things running smoothly… You may be at risk of slowly losing yourself in the process.
When life gets tough in your relationship, remember the foundation of your friendship with your partner. Treat them as you would a really good friend, because hopefully, they are.
People Pleaser Turned Parent
If you’ve been researching parenthood, you may have come across different parenting styles and attachment theory. While those are important, I want to focus on something deeper.
If you are someone who:
Often puts your needs last
Feels guilty when communicating boundaries
Silently erases your preferences when they conflict with others
You may identify as being a people pleaser.
These characteristics are often learned survival behaviors from childhood experiences. And here’s where it becomes especially important: parenthood amplifies them.
Yes, your children may be young now. But the way you show up in your partnership, how you communicate, how you handle resentment, how you treat yourself, will become the blueprint they absorb.
As an anxiety and couples therapist who specializes in working with people pleasers, I help clients unlearn unhealthy patterns so they can show up as emotionally present partners and parents, not just self-sacrificing ones. If you’re looking for more support after reading this blog, reach out to me using the link below for a free 15-minute consultation! I’d be happy to discuss how we can work together.
The More You Keep Silent, The More Likely Resentment Builds
When I begin working with people who are seeking anxiety or people-pleasing support, we gather information, almost like putting together a puzzle, to understand their childhood landscape.
Many clients describe losing their sense of self. And when they become parents, that loss can intensify.
Their needs quietly move to the bottom of the list:
Baby first
Partner second
Work third
Themselves… last
Over time, silence turns into resentment.
Resentment might look like:
Scorekeeping
Irritation over small things
Feeling unseen
Withdrawing emotionally
Thinking, “Why do I have to do everything?”
Fortunately, more people are talking about the mental health of mothers. But not enough space is created for the emotional well-being of both parents and caregivers.
I believe all children deserve emotionally present parents. And emotional presence requires that both partners feel heard, respected, and valued, not silently over-functioning.
The Role of Boundaries, Repair, and Emotional Safety
Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone you care about is to put your foot down and say, “No.”
For many people pleasers, especially new parents, this feels almost impossible. Many of us were taught that saying “no” is selfish. Often, the people who taught us that were trying to survive a world where it didn’t feel safe to stand out or speak up.
But here’s what I’ve learned from mentors, clients, and experience: when someone you care about shows you their temper, they’re often showing you the part of themselves they try to hide from the rest of the world.
Some people believe their temper is “just who they are.”
But anger is often fear and anxiety underneath.
If you have the emotional bandwidth to set a boundary and stay present, you may begin to hear what’s underneath the fire.
And if you don’t have that bandwidth?
You are NOT obligated to stand in the way of someone’s anger without protection
You can step away.
You can regulate.
You can come back when you feel calm and grounded.
This is what emotionally safe friendships look like. They step away when needed, and they come back.
Emotional safety in a relationship doesn’t mean no conflict. It means both partners can say what they really mean, even if it sounds messy or irrational at first, and trust that repair is possible.
That is how resentment softens. That is how children learn what safety looks like.
Breaking the People-Pleasing Cycle in Parenthood (Insights from an Anxiety Therapist in Chicago, IL)
So, how do we become emotionally present parents? Two things: mindfulness and intentional communication.
There is no “perfect” way to practice mindfulness. Sitting silently in a room may not work for you (no judgment!) Instead, focus on one task at a time. I can already hear the eye rolls: “C’mon, Shirley, we’re busy parents. How do you expect us to slow down?”
Out of curiosity, as an anxiety and couples therapist, I’d ask you: “What’s the harm in slowing down? Why not take things moment by moment instead of rushing through and feeling overwhelmed?”
Maybe mindfulness looks like:
Making yourself your favorite drink
Taking a walk with the stroller
Taking 3 deep breaths before responding
Use that as your anchor. Because life, especially early parenthood, will inevitably test your nervous system.
The other lifelong skillset is intentional communication. When life gets busy, the first thing to go is friendship. We stop checking in. We stop laughing. We stop choosing each other. But remember: you’re on the same team. Reboot your friendship. Be intentional about how you spend time with your partner, even if it’s 10 minutes after bedtime. Bond over the chaos, then talk about something other than the logistics of parenting when you spend time together.
Because your kids are watching. They are learning what partnership looks like.
Building a New Emotional Blueprint for Your Family
You and your partner get to build a new playbook.
Take time to reflect:
How did your caregivers show affection?
How did they handle conflict?
Did they treat each other with respect?
Did they nurture their friendship, or only manage responsibilities?
If you’re noticing familiar patterns surfacing in your own relationship (again, no judgment. Have compassion for yourself and your partner.) The fact that you’re reflecting already means you’re changing the course.
Here’s the analogy I’ll leave you with:
If you need to move up a level in a mall, do you take:
The elevator (fastest)?
The escalator (easy, cruise control)?
Or the stairs (more work, but strengthening in the long run)?
Intentional communication and self-awareness are the stairs.
It requires effort. But it builds relational muscle. I’ve written more about how to build trust and communicate in a previous blog post here.
What Building Friendship in Your Relationship Actually Looks Like
Building friendship in a romantic relationship can look like:
Asking questions with curiosity instead of accusation
Bringing play back through shared activities, humor, and inside jokes
Remembering what you enjoy about each other outside of conflict
Saying “I need a second” instead of reacting out of anger
Taking a break and intentionally coming back to the conversation
Remembering that you actually like this person and why you decided to build a life together in the first place
Ready to Rebuild the Friendship in Your Relationship?
If you’re noticing resentment building, feeling disconnected from your partner, or quietly losing yourself in the parenting role, you don’t have to navigate it alone.
As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, IL, I specialize in working with people pleasers who want to feel more grounded, communicate more confidently, and build emotionally secure relationships, both as partners and as parents. I also provide couples counseling for partners who want to strengthen their friendship and break intergenerational patterns before they pass them down.
If this resonates with you, you’re welcome to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. We can talk through what’s coming up for you and explore whether working together feels like the right next step.
