“What If You Don’t Want the Life You’re Supposed to Want?” Guidance from an Anxiety Therapist in Chicago, IL
Lately, as an anxiety therapist in Chicago, IL, I’ve been noticing a quiet question come up in conversations with my friends, clients, and even in my own mind: “I should want this… right?” The house. The kids. The career milestones. The life that looks stable and successful from the outside, but instead brings up feelings of anxiety, hesitation, and maybe even dread. When I see others around me celebrating their next milestone and compare it to my own, I feel like I’m falling behind.
You may also feel similarly if you’ve stumbled upon this blog. You may have followed the playbook we were given growing up on what being an adult is supposed to look like, you know, the checklist of what a “successful” life should include.
Graduate from high school and college
Work a stable career
Get the promotions
Start a relationship with a significant other
Get married
Buy a house
Have kids
Raise your family well
Retire
But maybe for some reason, these don’t align with the life you’ve imagined. It might not be your north star. We learn to go through the checklist of what a “successful” life looks like, but rarely are we encouraged to pause and think through if that’s what we actually want for ourselves.
What if the life we want to live conflicts with what’s considered “normal”? When we try to mold our life circumstances or rather bend reality to for the expectations, it almost always leads to disappointment and shame. We start buying into the narrative that because we didn’t get that promotion, purchase a home, or become parents, we’ve somehow “failed” or “fallen behind” others around us.
The moment we even consider the possibility of what life could be like for us, the uncomfortable feelings rush in. Guilt. Anxiety. Dread. They take up too much space, and they make us question everything. The “American Dream” no longer seems feasible or realistic to us because it’s an outdated playbook. We may have never been asked what we truly value. We might not have even given ourselves permission to believe that there are alternative lifestyles.
As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, IL, I often work with clients who are waking up to these questions, and they are wondering if the path they’re on really fits them, and what it would take to step into a life that feels authentic rather than expected.
But you’re waking up.
The Psychological Conflict: Values vs. Expectations
You know how we’ve been told that if we work hard enough, finish school, and do all the right things, we’ll earn the “American Dream”? When I take a step back to really see what’s happening around us today, I’ve realized that I’m currently living the revised version of that dream because the rules that were encouraged by the adults in our lives no longer fully apply. As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, IL, I notice how this disconnect between expectations and personal values often shows up as quiet anxiety, hesitation, or self-doubt in the people I work with, and in myself.
In 2026, housing, childcare, and other living expenses are rising. It’s no surprise that it’s making people, like myself, take a moment to step back and ask ourselves if these milestones are worth the sacrifice. And with that pause comes fear. What if we’re left behind by our friends who made different choices? What if the friendships change? What if having a baby isn’t your north star, but instead feels like a limitation?
As a woman, there are so many factors that can make us question our own intuition. What if we enjoy the freedom and flexibility that comes with other priorities (maybe it’s from our careers, hobbies, or relationships)? Yet, we’re still met with the well-intended, but loaded questions: “When are you going to have kids?” or “What’s next for you?”
If you’ve grown up in a large family, there might be an internal or external pressure to continue that pattern. If you’re the oldest child, you may have realized early on that parenting is really hard and that you’ve quietly decided that you’re not interested in taking on that responsibility.
It might be seen as selfish by others to choose to be child-free. Not because it is, but they may not have realized that that’s an option. The traditional view of adulthood is linear: you get married, and then you have a family. Simple as that, right? But it’s not.
The guilt and pressures that come with making a different decision, especially if you’re a people pleaser, can feel insurmountable. You could feel like you can’t win either way. You don’t want to be behind your friends who are on the journey of parenthood, but you also don’t want to betray yourself. You might even start minimizing your own struggles because “at least I don’t have kids”.
As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, IL, I often work with clients who feel this exact conflict: the pressure to belong competing with the desire to live authentically. Instead of seeing this as a values misalignment, we start to see and believe that something is wrong with us.
The Question We Think We’re Asking (and the Ones That Actually Matter)
As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, IL, the million-dollar question that we want answered is, “Should I do this or not?” But we stay stuck in this question because it’s not really about the decision. It’s about belonging. It’s about not wanting to be the only one doing something different. It’s about the quiet fear of being left out, misunderstood, or seen as selfish.
The questions that actually matter are much quieter and harder to ask: “What actually matters to me? What kind of life would feel meaningful for me? What type of lifestyle would I choose if no one were watching?” As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, IL, I help clients explore these deeper questions, like, “What does stability mean to you? What does fulfillment look like in your life? In your career? Hobbies/interests? Relationships outside of the nuclear family that enrich you? What if success wasn’t measured by milestones, but by how aligned you feel with the life you’re currently living?”
You’re Not Failing at Adulthood…You’re Outgrowing the Playbook
If you’re someone who usually does the “right” things, avoids disappointing others, and follows the rules, asking yourself these tough questions may send you into a panic. That’s your MO. You’re the dependable one. The one who listens to what others tell you because they seem to know you best, have your best interest at heart, or see qualities in you that make certain life choices a natural fit. For example, if you have such a caring personality, others may believe that you could be a loving parent.
Yet, you may have mixed feelings. You may begin to realize that you’re losing your voice. Peer pressure comes knocking at your door.
The feelings of guilt, fear, worry, or dread are normal. When they show up, it doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong. By being curious about these feelings and what they’re telling us, we can start to pave the way for what actually works for you.
As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, IL, I often think of this like decluttering our homes. We remove what no longer serves us to make space for what helps us feel safe and inspired. In the same way, when we loosen our grips on the old roles we’ve played for so long, or let go of the expectations that burden us, they can no longer keep us trapped in believing that there are no other alternatives.
We don’t have to keep going into a hallway that is making us feel claustrophobic. We can step outside of that to see what’s possible. What makes your heart sing? Where do we want to be generous with our time, energy, and money? What allows us to be fully present with our relationships and interests?
By not subscribing to old ways of living, it opens us up to new possibilities. This is the work we do in therapy. As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, IL, I help clients untangle expectations from values so they can build a life that feels meaningful to them.
If you’re ready to redefine what your version of adulthood looks like, reach out today to schedule a free 15-minute Zoom consultation using the link below.
-Shirley
