One of Those Days After a Breakup or Divorce? You’re Not Starting Over
I’m talking to you if you’re reading this blog in the middle of a slump after your breakup or divorce.
If you’ve ever felt small in your relationship. If you’re hearing about or seeing your ex online who seems to be moving on. If you’re wondering why you’re still having a hard day when you thought you were doing better.
It’s okay to miss them.
It’s normal to feel jealous, sad, resentful, angry, ashamed, or bitter about where you are now. You’re putting in the work to process what happened, so you don’t fall into the same dynamics again in a new relationship, if you choose to be in one.
It might not feel like you’re making progress at all right now.
But having one of those days doesn’t mean you’re starting over.
You can have a day where you miss them after weeks of feeling okay. You can see a photo, hear a song, remember a date, or find yourself wondering how they’re doing. You can feel angry about what happened and still miss the person you loved.
That doesn’t erase the work you’ve already done.
You can grieve the relationship and who you were in it. The hopes, dreams, and disappointments that never came true. You can be sad.
You might find yourself thinking, “A year ago today, I made the decision to leave the relationship,” or “Did I do enough? Should I have tried harder?”
These questions can come up months or even years after a relationship ends. That doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It means the relationship mattered to you.
Be sad. Be angry.
If you know that you’ve done everything that you could to make it work between you and your ex, know that you deserve that level of love, care, and respect too.
I need you to remember this:
Your self-respect needs to be louder and more important than the needs of others who expect you to fix the relationship.
You are NOT responsible for the outcome of the relationship by yourself.
You ARE good enough.
And you don’t have to prove your worth by how much you can tolerate, how much you can give, or how hard you can work to make a relationship work.
Sometimes the work after a breakup or divorce is learning to trust yourself again.
That means paying attention to the feelings you may have pushed aside. It means noticing what your body is telling you. It means becoming curious about the moments when you felt small, uncomfortable, anxious, or disconnected from yourself.
Let’s not betray ourselves again.
Let’s listen to our bodies and what those signals are trying to tell us.
As a breakup specialist, I know that healing doesn’t always look like feeling better. Sometimes healing looks like allowing yourself to have one of those days without shaming yourself for it.
You are grieving, and you don’t have to do it alone.
If you’re ready for support in processing your breakup or divorce, learn more about breakup therapy and how I work with women navigating this transition.
FAQs
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This person was important to you. You are adjusting to a new way of living your life without your ex. You’re remembering what could have been if you stayed. Upcoming holidays, birthdays, celebrations, or social gatherings emphasize the happy moments of being in a relationship.
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Yes, it is. The grief of losing this person doesn’t fully go away, especially not right away. The more you peel back the layers to understand the relationship, the more time it will take to move through untangling yourself from them.
Reach out to talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. You do not need to carry the shame, guilt, or grief alone. There are others who are willing to hold it with you.
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Give yourself grace and self-compassion going through this breakup/divorce.
You are on your own timeline as you move through the loss of your relationship. Today you feel really sad and guilty. Tomorrow will be a little bit different.
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All the feelings you’ve been bottling up need to go somewhere, and therapy is a great place to vent, cry, and problem-solve after a breakup/divorce.
About the Author
Shirley Khong, LCPC, is the founder of Self Compassion Counseling, a Chicago-based online therapy practice supporting adults navigating anxiety, relationship transitions, people-pleasing, and intergenerational patterns.
Through a trauma-informed and culturally responsive approach, Shirley helps clients understand how past experiences shape current relationships, rebuild self-trust, and create healthier connections with themselves and others.
Learn more about therapy for anxiety, post-breakup healing, couples counseling, and relationship patterns at Self Compassion Counseling.
