“Why Is Marriage So Hard?” How Couples Get Stuck in Patterns and Find Their Way Back to Each Other
Marriage is hard because you are building a life with someone who brings their own history, family patterns, expectations, needs, and ways of coping into the relationship.
You see parts of your spouse that they may not want to show the rest of the world, including the parts of themselves they’re still learning to understand.
If you are looking for couples counseling in Illinois, therapy can help you understand the patterns you and your spouse bring into your relationship and find new ways to connect.
You’re choosing this person to build a life that will be filled with the good, difficult, ordinary, and unexpected.
Each relationship and marriage is unique. We cannot replicate someone else's marriage because we do not see how they built their relationship or the behind-the-scenes work that maintains it.
Marriage requires more than love. It requires two people who are willing to understand the patterns they bring into the relationship, be intentional to come back to one another in moments of disconnection, and do their best to build a relationship that aligns with both of their values.
Why Do Couples Keep Having the Same Arguments?
One or both spouses don’t feel heard and understood. Add in a new baby, home renovations, busy work schedules, multiple losses, and it’s easier to avoid a difficult conversation than to risk another argument.
You might convince yourself that you are being considerate by keeping your thoughts or feelings to yourself. You don’t want to rock the boat. You don’t want to make things worse. You may even tell yourself that it is not worth bringing up. You’re both tired of fighting each other and want to feel more connected, ‘like we used to be’.
But avoiding difficult conversations does not make the feelings disappear. (That rug just gets bigger and bigger over time). Eventually, all of those issues and unspoken needs are forced to be released somewhere. That’s when you both experience the visceral resentment, anger, fear, disappointment, and numbing behaviors. Fortunately, every conflict is an opportunity to practice understanding yourself and your spouse. Instead of focusing on who is right or wrong, ask yourself:
What am I feeling? (i.e., the physical body sensations: racing heart, seeing red, dissociating, etc.)
What do I want my spouse to understand about what I’m experiencing?
What might my spouse want me to understand from their perspective?
I’ve helped many couples redirect misunderstandings with one another by having them ask each other:
“Do you want me to listen while you vent, help you problem-solve, or both?”
My challenge for you:
During your next argument with your spouse, take a breath (yes, the more the better) and slow down to notice your own needs and reactions before you say or do anything else. That’s it.
We are building skills to lean into conflict and form deeper bonds with your spouse. Knowing your limits, needs, and intentions, then communicating them with your spouse, will help you practice de-escalating heated arguments. I want you both to feel seen and understood by each other, not staying stuck with nowhere to go.
Why Do Couples Fall Into the Same Roles?
They are replaying familiar patterns from their childhood experiences. When our attention is being pulled in different directions, our brains pick the path of least resistance.
We are not always aware of those patterns happening in real time, which is why they repeat until the system is addressed and rebuilt.
Maybe one person is the problem solver while the other avoids making decisions. These differences can initially feel complementary or even endearing. But over time, the roles become rigid, and it’s unsustainable to continue living this way. You and your spouse can feel the resentment growing, and suddenly you begin to only notice the things they’re doing wrong.
A healthy marriage needs BOTH partners to be willing to expand their comfort zone and grow together.
You need to learn how to ask for help instead of automatically doing everything yourself. Your spouse needs to learn how to take initiative instead of waiting for you to ask. You are both unpacking and relearning what relationships can look like.
Sometimes the question is not simply, “Why are we arguing?” It is also, “Who am I arguing with right now?”
Are you responding to your spouse, or does a part of you feel like you are arguing with a parent, caretaker, or family member?
Learning to recognize these patterns can help you respond to your spouse as the person in front of you rather than reacting to something familiar from your past.
Are You Comparing Your Marriage to Others?
If you’re reading this part, there’s a very good chance that you’re comparing your marriage to what you see other couples doing, whether it’s online or off.
You only see a glimpse of another couple's marriage, not the full picture. It’s not always greener on the other side.
You know that couple. You see their vacations, date nights, thoughtful gestures. Then you look at your own marriage and see the complete opposite. Or maybe you remember the type of relationship you both once had before things got tough.
It doesn’t have to always be this way. We can reframe and ask ourselves and our spouse:
“What do we want our marriage to feel like between us in the next year, five years, or even a decade?”
You can take qualities from the relationships you admire. Maybe you appreciate how another couple prioritizes quality time, communicates openly, or supports each other's individual interests. Take what serves your relationship and leave what does not.
Your marriage has its own unique thumbprint. It does not need to look like anyone else's.
How Can Couples Learn to Meet Each Other's Needs?
Cultivate curiosity and empathy about how your love language (needs) will differ from theirs. We all want to be seen, heard, wanted, and considered by our chosen partners.
Be aware and take accountability for how you contribute in your relationship. Don’t try to change your spouse.
You may show love in the way you would want to receive it. Even if you and your spouse share the same love language, that doesn’t mean you experience love in exactly the same way.
It can be difficult to accept someone for who they are without trying to change them into the person we have imagined them to be. You can want something different from your spouse while still making space for who they are. That requires curiosity and empathy.
What helps your spouse feel loved and supported?
What do they need when they are overwhelmed?
What are they trying to communicate when they say they want to leave during an argument?
What do they need you to understand about their experience?
During conflict, it can be tempting to focus only on your own pain. But taking the time to understand your spouse's hurt does not mean your own hurt becomes less important. Both experiences can exist at the same time.
How Do Couples Reconnect After Feeling Disconnected?
Sometimes couples become so focused on solving problems that they forget to enjoy each other.
Marriage is not only about working through conflict, dividing responsibilities, paying bills, raising children, or managing a household. Let’s make time to appreciate those ordinary moments in your daily routines. Those moments make up the fabric of your marriage.
There are endless opportunities to create fun, joy, and laughter. Take a stroll down memory lane with your spouse to ask each other:
What routines, activities, or experiences remind you of the fun times you both shared?
How can we make time each day to connect without talking about the kids or our daily stressors? Even 5, 30, or 60 minutes can make a difference.
When was the last time we took a vacation or getaway to reconnect as a couple? How would we want to spend that quality time together?
How do you come back to one another after a big argument, and what small actions help you feel considered?
Repair does not always have to be a big conversation. Sometimes reconnecting can begin with a shared meal, a walk, laughter, physical affection, rest, or simply making space to be together without trying to solve anything.
Taking a break from the work of marriage can sometimes help you remember why you chose this person to be your person in the first place.
Marriage takes work. But it shouldn't feel like work all the time. Make room to enjoy each other, too.
When Can Couples Counseling Help?
Couples counseling can be helpful when you and your spouse keep having the same arguments, struggle to communicate without shutting down or escalating, feel disconnected, or are not sure how to change patterns that no longer work for your relationship.
You can love each other and still struggle to understand each other.
You do not have to wait until your marriage is in crisis to seek support. Couples counseling offers space to understand the patterns you get stuck in, better understand each other’s needs, and learn new ways to communicate and reconnect.
If you and your spouse keep having the same arguments or struggle to make changes on your own, you do not have to figure it all out by yourselves.
At Self Compassion Counseling, I offer virtual couples counseling in Illinois to help couples better understand their relationship patterns, communicate their needs, and find new ways to connect.
Reach out today to schedule a free 15-minute Zoom consultation and explore whether couples counseling is the right fit for you.
About the Author
Shirley Khong, LCPC, is the founder of Self Compassion Counseling, a Chicago-based online therapy practice supporting adults navigating anxiety, relationship transitions, people-pleasing, and intergenerational patterns.
Through a trauma-informed and culturally responsive approach, Shirley helps clients understand how past experiences shape current relationships, rebuild self-trust, and create healthier connections with themselves and others.
Learn more about therapy for anxiety, post-breakup healing, couples counseling, and relationship patterns at Self Compassion Counseling.
