Stop Saying Yes When You Mean No: An Anxiety Therapist Chicago Shares How to Break Free From People Pleasing
Do you ever hope that plans get cancelled just so that you can have some quiet time, then immediately feel guilty about it afterwards? Well, hello there! My name is Shirley Khong, an anxiety therapist in Chicago who specializes in Psychodynamic and IFS-informed (Internal Family Systems) therapy helping people pleasers rebuild their self-confidence!
In this blog, I want to share some questions that can help you pause and communicate more effectively before you automatically say “yes” to another social event, task, or responsibility when you actually want to say “no.” If you’re struggling with people pleasing tendencies, keep reading.
Why People Pleasers Struggle to Say No – Insights From an Anxiety Therapist Chicago
At its core, people pleasing is empathy in overdrive. It’s a survival skill used by someone who deeply craved acceptance and wanting a place to belong.
You may have learned growing up to always put yourself last – your needs, emotions, and wants. Over time, this might have left you feeling resentful, irritated, and underappreciated by others.
Now, you might find yourself avoiding tasks altogether or responding with passive-aggressive comments when someone asks you for something. Deep down, though, this isn’t who you are or who you want to be. What you really want is to be truly seen and understood by those around you.
As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, I use a combination of Psychodynamic and IFS-informed approaches to help you understand how and why certain behaviors create conflict in your relationships. Through a psychodynamic lens, we’ll explore both your conscious and unconscious patterns, your childhood history, and the dynamics that emerge between us in therapy.
With IFS-informed therapy, we’ll work on unlearning unhealthy parts of your identity, helping you regulate your emotions and connect more deeply with your inner Self. Interested in learning more about how Psychodynamic or IFS-informed therapy could help you?
The Hidden Anxiety Behind Saying Yes to Everyone – Anxiety Therapist Chicago Perspective
People pleasing and anxiety can take a real toll on both your body and your emotions. Physically, you might experience all kinds of aches – headaches, stomachaches, body pain – along with exhaustion, racing thoughts, difficulty sleeping, or a racing heart.
Emotionally, you may feel constantly overwhelmed, struggling to handle stress, or often turning to numb out/distracting behaviors (i.e. scrolling on your phone, for example). You might find yourself avoiding things, always needing to stay “busy”, or having a hard time accepting compliments and positive feedback. It’s also common to feel like an imposter, to wrestle with never feeling “good enough,” and to feel angry or irritable without fully understanding why.
If you’re experiencing some of these symptoms or behaviors, then it’s a sign that your body is saying, “enough is enough.” As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, it might be time to find the support you need because while you’ve been suffering in silence, resentment builds distance and increases a sense of isolation from others.
The Cost of People Pleasing on Your Confidence – An Anxiety Therapist Chicago Explains
When you constantly put your own needs on the backburner or push yourself to the point of burnout, it chips away at your self-esteem and confidence. As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, I worked with a client who felt completely lost and overwhelmed by a major life decision. They’d spent their entire life working hard and being the one in their family who always solved everyone else’s problems.
Now, facing their own choice, they were consumed with guilt, shame, and fear about what to do next. The pressure to “get my sh!t together” can steal your ability to choose how you actually want to live. Not knowing your next steps can feel terrifying – especially when you’re used to being the one who has it all figured out. The uncertainty can feel absolutely crippling. Maybe by this point, you’re probably wondering, “Okay, I see what you’re saying, Shirley, but what do I DO about it?”
Tips From an Anxiety Therapist Chicago: How to Start Saying No
As an anxiety therapist in Chicago, I often help clients move from feeling guilty or overwhelmed to communicating their boundaries and saying “no” with confidence. Here are three actionable steps to help you get started:
Step 1: Pause and think
If someone needs help but you’re unable to, before you say “yes” right away, or volunteer, pause and ask yourself, “What do I need or have planned? Would it make sense if I did X, Y, and Z?”
Sometimes, taking just a few minutes before answering the text - or saying something like, “Let me think about that” if you’re in person - can help you start to listen to yourself if this is something that you’re actually capable of helping with. Give yourself time to think and respond, especially if you’re usually the one extending that courtesy to others.
Step 2: Saying “no” and meaning it
If you realize that you can’t or don’t want to help, you might feel guilty and uncomfortable saying “no”. This is normal, especially when you’re not used to it at first. It might shock the other person that you said “no” too! If they start to push back or make you feel guilty about your decision, reinforce that you’re unable to. For example saying, “No, I won’t be able to do that.”
Later on, practice saying “no” by picking an easy, low-stakes example, situation, or relationship where it’s safe enough to do so. You can also practice saying “no” to yourself in front of a mirror and seeing how it feels. Take a moment to reflect: Which parts of yourself do you feel are in conflict the most often when setting boundaries or saying “no”?
Step 3: Finding alternative options to collaborate
If you’re new to setting boundaries and getting to know your needs, provide an alternative option or offer to collaborate to come up with a solution that will benefit both of you. Be specific by giving instructions and expectations for how you can help. For example, “I can’t help you with this today, however, tomorrow at 10 am, I have an hour if that works with you.”
Remember that at the end of the day, you can take up space too! Your priorities are also important, despite what others may say or do. If this resonates with you and you’re ready to explore these patterns in therapy, I’d love to support you on your journey.
Why Working With an Anxiety Therapist Chicago Can Help You Break Free
Working with me as your anxiety therapist in Chicago gives you the space to reflect on what you truly need, want, and expect out of your relationships. In therapy, we’ll practice setting and communicating boundaries to help you build confidence both inside and outside our sessions. Oftentimes, the pains of our past continue to haunt us, replaying in our minds until we finally address them by sharing them with a safe and trusted person.
I help clients build the courage to bring up issues, concerns, and provide feedback so they can navigate difficult or uncomfortable conversations in their relationships. Together, we’ll work on relearning how to trust yourself and regulate your emotions so that they don’t overwhelm you on a daily basis.
As you start setting and communicating your boundaries, you might begin to see people in your life for who they truly are rather than who you wish they could be. That realization isn’t easy, especially if it means grieving the expectations you held for them or the relationship. But remember this – you are not a burden. I’d like to think of myself as an “emotional conduit” for my clients who either numbs out or feels their feelings too intensely. I can sit with you through experiences of shame, guilt, anger, sadness, or grief. None of it will scare me away. We will get through this together.
Ready to Stop People Pleasing? Work With an Anxiety Therapist Chicago Today
Key points:
People pleasing is empathy in overdrive.
Be mindful of any physical or emotional signs of burn out.
If you’re feeling lost or overwhelmed, it’s important to get the support you need.
Pause and reflect on what you need and want. Practice communicating your boundaries in a low-stakes situation (i.e. in the mirror) or with a trusted family member, friend, or colleague.
You might realize after communicating your boundaries that some relationships or situations can bring up feelings of shame, anger, sadness, or grief.
